How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie recalibrates social skills to make healthier connections with people. The post is one of many helpful guiding principles on aspects of human relations you can implement to benefit you and the people in your life.
PRINCIPLE 1: Do not Criticize, Condemn, or Complain (about others).
Carnegie starts off with explaining how most of the time: No one thinks they’re wrong.
You challenge someone’s sense of self security by outwardly declaring their ‘wrongness’ to them, in turn, they feel attacked by your words. Being attacked is not a good feeling, anyone can recall a moment in their lives where they’ve felt this. And what follows?
A mode of defence.
When you criticize someone you put them in a state of self defence. For the life of them they will not admit they are wrong because now it becomes a question of pride. They will double down on their actions and go out of their way to make sense and justify their actions.
Remember: No matter how certain we are that our criticism is justified, “human nature in action, a.k.a. Wrongdoers, blame everybody but themselves.”
People remember your words
Sure you will get temporary emotional satisfaction from complaining but you plant the seed of resentment that can last a lifetime and ruin relationships that may have helped you in time.
“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
A mental exercise: can you think of someone you’ve wanted to regulate, change or “improve”?
Admitting this is the first step to realizing:
It’s very easy to want to control others – but this idea is furthest from your mind if you consider putting that same control over yourself, even worse, being controlled by another person.
The feeling of being controlled is demoralizing and humiliating.
Solution? Begin With Yourself.
Working on yourself is far more profitable and a lot less dangerous. When it comes down to it, changing yourself as oppose to others is a real possibility and great benefit to you.
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving”
In conclusion:
Criticism only hurts relationships. Complaints, no matter how justified, don’t win people to your way of thinking. Condemning words hurt someone’s sense of pride and only generates an attitude of self-defence. Even if you convince others that you are right, resentment can crack a relationship for a long time. In short, its self-sabotage and never worth it.
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